


Mr and Mrs Shepard

by EndlessExplorer



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/M, Gen, Married Couple, Married Life, Movie Reference, Parody, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-02-28 14:53:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18758674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndlessExplorer/pseuds/EndlessExplorer
Summary: A parody of Mr and Mrs Smith using characters from Mass Effect, the trilogy.--If anyone has any ideas that they'd like to share with me or suggest, please feel free to message me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A mad combination of two of my favorite things. the Mr and Mrs Smith movie and Mass Effect.
> 
> I'm not promising that this will be a masterpiece or that it'll be a perfect translation, but I'm only doing this for fun so I'll just go and have fun!
> 
> If anyone has any ideas that they'd like to share such as characters to add or places to go, I'm currently open to any and all suggestions. This first chapter will be written from Shepard's PoV but it will change between 3rd person and Miri's PoV in different chapters.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I've never written a parody like this, so new ground! Thanks!

**John’s PoV:**

               Again. Again, we sit here in the same dining room, in the same place, eating what could be the same thing day after day. Has it really come to this? I swear that our marriage has become as boring as those damn beige drapes that Miri put in and then grilled my ass over not noticing. I’m sorry but when nearly everything is the same colour in a room, you have a tendency to miss things. Especially if the last ones were beige too!

               I love Miri. With every single part of me, I love her. I hate thinking it but if I didn’t, I’d say we’d have split a long time ago. Whenever we get into another one of our fights, I think back to when we met. Back at that beach resort, she bumped into me while the local cops were chasing her over something. I can still picture that number she was wearing. Had me wrapped around her finger in a second which was a first for me. Told the cops that I was her boyfriend and I went along with it. Everything just got better from there… until now.

               Now we were both sitting in our dining room, in a dead silence, stuck in a rut. I haven’t told her, but I’ve been speaking to a psychiatrist. They’ve questioned me about nearly anything and everything and the way they microanalyses my life has always unnerved me. I know some Asari that have done that to kill someone but that’s too much information for now.

               “So how was work today?” I had to break the monotony somehow. I was starting to get cabin fever from being stuck inside my own head. Miri’s shoulders straighten for a second as she glances up from her own plate, almost like she had forgotten I was even in the room with her. Her eyes were wide for a moment before she gracefully lifted her wine glass to her lips. As I previously mentioned, Miranda was drop dead gorgeous and sometimes I’ve even gotten thinking if she was simply a figment of my imagination. I’m afraid that I’m gonna open my eyes one day and realise that my time with her was simply the world’s longest wet dream... but watching her soft lips wrap around the edge of that wine glass I could help but feel a festering jealousness towards that damn glass. It’s had those beautiful lips wrapped around it more times than I have in the last few months. Good god when did I start losing my mind?

               “Nothing spectacular. We managed to make some antibiotics that will help the Batarians overcome a virus that’s been spreading around at the moment but it’s not like it was a huge breakthrough. It’d be like us making some new painkiller to combat the common cold. You?” In the last few months I’ve noticed how the life in both of us simply seemed to fizzle out. One of us could win the lottery in the morning and neither of us would crack a smile. Throughout that whole ramble, not once did she look at me, or at anything other than the food on her plate. Well, maybe she did, but I didn’t look up either so maybe I’m as bad as I’m making her out to be. Do either of us want this to work again?

               “City contracted us to build some new park downtown. Nothing special really but they want us to put up a statue or something in the centre. Commemorate some hero or something. We have to give them a kind of rough plan or design and then they’ll check it, veto anything they want changed and then we can get started. Boring day really…”

               Dinner continued on in dead silence. If our utensils didn’t clink against the china, I’d have thought that I was completely alone, tucked away in my own little universe. Once I was finished, I gathered up my plate, cup, and utensils and started cleaning them in the sink. A couple seconds later, Miri came up alongside me and placed her own things next to mine.

               “I’m quite tired and plus I have an early board meeting in the morning. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

               “Night.”

               I spotted that her hand seemed to hover over my shoulder for a moment before she placed it back by her side and left the kitchen. I’m almost certain that people think we’re just complete strangers that live together rather than husband and wife for the last five years. I heard the shower start upstairs and for a minute, I allowed my shoulders to sag in exhaustion. After exactly five minutes, the shower was off, and I heard the door to our bedroom close. Miri always was perfectly efficient, never spending longer than she had to at something but it’s gotten worse recently.

               Once I was finished, I dried my hands and put our things back in the cupboards once again. Shuffling my way upstairs, I entered the bedroom and Miri was asleep. Having a quick shower, I got changed and crawled into bed alongside her. As I laid there, I stared up at the ceiling.

               “What happened to us Miri?”

               As there was no one there to answer my question except the darkness, I turned over and went to sleep; hoping that something would change soon.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The movie continues...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter of my movie parody. I love these characters and this movie so please, If anyone thinks that I'm not doing them justice, please let me know. This chapter is once again in John's PoV but the next will be our beloved femme fatale Miranda.
> 
> Also yes, Garrus is the Vance Vaughn of this movie... I'm sorry.
> 
> Again, If anyone has any ideas for this parody or which characters to include, please PM me or leave me a comment and let me know. It always helps to see that there are people reading things.

**John's PoV:**

           I cracked open my eyes and what a surprise, Miranda was gone. No note, no text, nothing. I swear I wouldn’t even think to try and find out if she was kidnapped in the night because it was always like this. We wouldn’t see or speak to each other until dinner where we’d make lifeless small talk and finally go to bed. I’ve watched Elcor soap operas with more conversation or emotions between people… not willingly but when you’re waiting for something to cook in the microwave and the remote batteries are dead, what are you to do?

           Slipping into a decent suit, I grabbed my briefcase and jumped into my car. Me and Miri, we had our own cars and we rarely sat into each others anymore. Looking up I spotted an old picture. It was back when me and Miri first met. I brought her to some crummy old carnival that had been on and we tried out some target practise. My dad had taught me to use a gun when I was younger, so I thought I wasn’t a bad shot but when Miri meekly took the pistol from my hand, I thought it was the cutest thing I had ever seen. My bravado got the better of me and after a bit of showing off in my second round, I handed the gun back to Miri. That was when I first saw it, that fiery look of determination and drive that would always sweep me off my feet. She had to pick me up off my feet after she had absolutely trounced me in her second round, a perfect score. The carny had been speechless when he handed Miri her prize; a plush Hanar.

\--

          “Where the hell did you learn to shoot like that?!” I still could barely believe it but as she shoved the plush into my face, I had to admit defeat.

          “What? I wasn’t going to show you up on our first ‘official’ date. But when someone’s ego started showing, I wasn’t about to let that ruin our day… plus, my old man showed me. I’m sure you’ll beat me. Someday.” Her smirk issuing the challenge, saying more than she even needed to.

          We walked back to my car, Miri eagerly clutching ‘Blasto’ to her chest, and before we got in, I decided to take a picture to commemorate the moment. It was one of the best days of my life. We had even baptised my old car the ‘Normandy’ after my interest of the old wars. Miri insisted. What I wouldn’t give to go back to those old days.

\--

            Deciding that simmering in old memories wasn’t going to get me to work any sooner, I travelled through the streets to work. A somewhat boring looking place but one should never judge a book by it’s cover. Flashing my ID at the door, it swung open to reveal a rather smug looking Turian. One that I had the ‘pleasure’ of calling my best friend.

            “Shepard… you look like shit.”

            “And you smell like it Garrus. You still diving through dumpsters looking for a girlfriend or did that Quarian finally start talking to you?”

             Garrus gave a dry chuckle as his mandibles shifted into something resembling a smile. “Oh, hah hah. I may not have someone stable but at least I seem to have some life in me still, you miserable fuck.”

            “Remind me why we’re friends again?”

             Garrus tapped a long talon against his chin. “Because you find me so ruggedly handsome?”

            “Now that’s a joke! Maybe you should give this contract work up and become a stand-up comedian Garrus. That joke would kill!”

             Before Garrus could retort, I headed for my office and bumped into EDI, my receptionist.

             “Hello John. Management are on the line inside. There are jobs piling up and they want them taken care of.”

             “Thanks EDI. Are you still together with that Jake? Jim?”

             “Jeff? Well yes, I am. Thank you for asking.”

              Giving her a brief nod, I went into my office and dumped my briefcase by the door. My office wasn’t something to brag about. Small, brown, boring… The computer in the corner booted up and a silhouette shimmered up from the console.

             “I need you in Beckenstein yesterday Shepard. I got word that there’s another contractor trying to get their hands on our project. Make sure they don’t.”

              The terminal went dead, and I left my office. EDI was gone so grabbing the post-it pad on her desk and left a note.

             “If Miranda calls, tell her that I’m gone to Beckenstein on business and that I’ll be home in two days.”

             After I left the note and climbed into my car, it hit me. Miri probably won’t even notice I’m gone…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also as one might see in the tags for this fic, I put the Illusive 'Wo'Man. For clarification I will explain. In the movie, John's team are all male while Jane's team are all female, even their bosses. As such, I basically chose Udina to be Shepard's boss (Because I love Anderson too much) and Illusive man to be Miranda's. In keeping with the movie though, I basically had to gender-bend him. If anyone has any idea on a name for 'her', please let me know.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things begin to get interesting...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a chapter from Miranda's PoV.
> 
> I think after this chapter that most of the chapters might be from John's PoV, especially since the majority of the movie does tend to focus on Pitt rather than Jolie. I agree, it's a shame.
> 
> I'm sorry that these chapters do lack quite a bit of content, but I haven't a whole lot of space to play with. This was meant to be a small project to see if the implementation of the characters would work and I'm happy to think that it does. If anyone disagrees, please let me know.

       There was a reason I worked alone. When you team up with someone there is a variable in the equation that can come back and bite you in the ass. Something that is unpredictable, unprecedented and if my maths tutor did his job correctly all those years ago, something like that is best removed at the beginning. That’s why I refused the earpiece. I didn’t need help. I was good at what I do, the best really, but because the boss wanted it, I had to have rookies spewing crap in my ear.

        “target is on approach”. I know that. I have everything researched and calculated for. Wind resistance, caliber size required to penetrate his armored transport, even when his escort likes to take a piss. I leave nothing to chance. When I’m given a job, it’s done with perfect efficiency.

         “Roger that. Can you tell me how many of vehicles are in the convoy?” I rolled my eyes as I could hear frantic clinking of computer keys.

          “One minute there Miranda.” There’s five. Hock is in the fourth one wearing civvies while he has a double sitting in the second car wearing some elaborate suit, dressed to the nines. Each car is full of ex-military private security stooges carrying SMG’s. As I said, nothing left to chance. All I had to do is wait is wait for him to get in range and I’d have a big fat bonus in my account before his body hits the seat in front.

          “I believe there’s four cars ma’am.” Wrong… fucking rookies. By my own estimation, I should have about 5 minutes before Hock arrives, so I leaned back against the wall of my blind. I grabbed the bottle of water beside me and drank deeply. Christ, Beckenstein was hot…

           “Attention ma’am! Unknown approaching your location to the north!” What? This never happens!

          “What?! Explain!” Again, furious typing away at computer keys.

          “They’re approaching your location quickly, must be by car or buggy.” With a quick check with my binoculars, I saw the rising dust cloud coming from the north. Whoever it was, the idiot just made the worst mistake of their life. Just as I was about to place a bullet between their eyes, voices started again in my ear.

          “Ma’am! The target is too close, and you’ll only have one shot at this. If you shoot the unknown, he’ll get spooked and go to ground.” Fuck! I knew that but either way this guy was going to blow my operation.

          “Contact in two minutes and counting.” Deciding that the operation was a bust now, I opted to eliminate what must have been the other competition. Leveling my cross hairs at their head I realized that it was a man and for a brief moment I thought he looked familiar but then the sun glinted off of his weapon straight into my eye and I missed my shot.

         “Holy shit! He has a McCain! Get out of there!” I was still briefly blinded but I managed to get out of there just before it was completely destroyed in an explosion.

          “The target has fled the scene. The mission was a bust. There is a vehicle on it’s way to pick you up ma’am.” Screaming in frustration, I slammed my fist down onto the sand. I don’t care who that was, I was going to fucking kill him.

\--

         Following a meeting with my boss, the ever enigmatic Illusive Woman, my ass was on the line because of that botched job. I took a small joy from knowing that her name was Charlotte and I needed a laugh right now. Since I got back, I had my team of analysists try and find out who the hell the bastard was that destroyed my flawless record. As I patched up a rather nasty gash along my side, I finally got some good news.

         “Ma’am? We got him!” I practically ran up to the analytical center with my t-shirt still hiked up around my neck. I was desperate to find out who it was.

          “Just a few seconds now ma’am, the image just has to clear up.” I didn’t see the point in even nodding my understanding.

          “Ah! Now, there he is… wait a minute?” I was speechless. What I saw on screen couldn’t have been right. I was convinced it must have been a joke, but there was nothing that was going to stop me from finding out. First things first, I had to go and pick out a good bottle of wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, in the parts at which I would have a bit to play with, any suggestions that people have, I'd be more than happy to consider. Please send them on!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
